Bumfuck, Ireland - A Northern Ireland man who tried to turn his own faeces into gold by putting it on an electric heater has been jailed for three months.
The bizarre experiment, carried out by Paul Moran, 30, caused around £3,000 worth of damage to his Housing Executive home in a block of flats at Derrin Park in Enniskillen in July.
Did anybody tell Paul Moran that poop is already hot? Heating it up more is not the direction you go if you're looking to recreate the sorcerers stone and create piles of Scrooge McDuck gold. I mean I like where your head's at Paul. I really do. But I just feel that this plan wasn't thought through to the end. In all likelihood that was the first attempt at alchemy centuries ago, heating human feces to the point of incineration. And we all know that those who don't know history are doomed to repeat it, Paul. And then you've got dickhead Judge Macfarland on his high horse with this one liner: "It was an interesting experiment to fulfill the alchemist's dream, but wasn't going to succeed." Uh you think so? Well Judge I'm pretty sure if Paul Moran were successful here he'd be sitting on a beach somewhere sipping a Pina Colada and earning 20 percent, and you'd be begging to know his poop to gold formula. Really just pouring salt in the wounds right now sending a man to jail for a failed dream and half baked moment of inspiration.
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