Chicago Sports Rundown 10/23/11

The first of many posts of this kind. A quick synopsis of the state of each of Chicago's professional athletic teams, minus the Sox because fuck them.

Bears: Move to 4-3 with a win over TB and gain a game on the Lions after their loss to the Falcons. Going to take a lot of work and a series of minor miracles to catch the Pack, but a Wildcard spot is well within reach, and likely with how bad the NFC is. Great game from Forte who continues to fuel the questions why management hasn't given him his contract. He will get his money somewhere else if he doesn't get it in Chicago. The O line continued to be lackluster. At this point if Cutler came out with a Tom Emanski video for quarterbacking fundamentals, Tape 1 would include how to throw an off balance throw from your back foot. Got the bye week this week followed by a Monday nighter in Philly. The next three games will tell a lot about the team this year. After Philly the Bears have home vs. the Lions and home vs. the Chargers. After that we will know what kind of football they need to play for the remainder of the season to make the playoffs.

Blackhawks: Another tough shootout loss, this time at the hands of the Avs. I'll be honest I didn't see much of this game outside of the shootout. The loss drops the Hawks to 4-1-2. I gotta be honest though shootout losses are the worst. Trust me I like getting points in any way shape or form, but the lost points now might mean the difference between having home ice advantage or not. The team is 0-2 in shootout games and 0-6 on shootout attempts. This week the Hawks are home vs. the Ducks (10/25), away vs. the Canes (10/28) and home vs. the Blue Jackets (10/29). A solid opportunity to make up for those lost points. The season is young.

Cubs: So did we get Theo? Wasn't compensation what held up finalizing the deal last week? When I saw BREAKING NEWS EPSTEIN NEW CUBS PRESIDENT COMPENSATION TO BE DETERMINED all I thought was how this was the same headline I read last week. I'm just going to assume Theo will be President and Hoyer comes in as GM. Gonna save most of what I've got for later when it's more official.

Bulls: All the Bulls players are crossing their fingers hoping they get included on the proposed global tour, mainly for the opportunity to try to bang Joakim Noah's mom in France. Or maybe that's just Delonte West. I wonder if Home Depot will let him take his vacation days this early into his new career?


Til next week

Irish alchemist (almost) turns poop into gold, gets sent straight to jail

Bumfuck, Ireland - A Northern Ireland man who tried to turn his own faeces into gold by putting it on an electric heater has been jailed for three months.

The bizarre experiment, carried out by Paul Moran, 30, caused around £3,000 worth of damage to his Housing Executive home in a block of flats at Derrin Park in Enniskillen in July.

Did anybody tell Paul Moran that poop is already hot? Heating it up more is not the direction you go if you're looking to recreate the sorcerers stone and create piles of Scrooge McDuck gold. I mean I like where your head's at Paul. I really do. But I just feel that this plan wasn't thought through to the end. In all likelihood that was the first attempt at alchemy centuries ago, heating human feces to the point of incineration.  And we all know that those who don't know history are doomed to repeat it, Paul. And then you've got dickhead Judge Macfarland on his high horse with this one liner: "It was an interesting experiment to fulfill the alchemist's dream, but wasn't going to succeed." Uh you think so? Well Judge I'm pretty sure if Paul Moran were successful here he'd be sitting on a beach somewhere sipping a Pina Colada and earning 20 percent, and you'd be begging to know his poop to gold formula. Really just pouring salt in the wounds right now sending a man to jail for a failed dream and half baked moment of inspiration.

The Tim Tebow Trials

I once heard a story about Tim Tebow  when he was at the NFL combine before he was drafted. He was in a room with a bunch of other prospects about to take the Wonderlic Test. After the instructor outlined the test, Tebow raised his voice to call for a prayer before the athletes started the test. The request was not accepted warmly, "Shut the Fuck up, Tebow!" one of the other prospects yelled. I think it was clear message to him that the NFL was not going to be like what it was at Florida.

Of the 33 left handed quarterbacks ever to play in the NFL, only 5 (Brunell, Esiason, Vick, Young) really stand out as having storied carriers. The rest are of the Jared Lorenzen and Chris Simms variety. So right away Tebow's odds of becoming a legitimate QB are against him. It just seems that something works against most left handed throwers that prevents them from becoming great QBs in the NFL. What it is, no one can say for sure, but I am sure those assholes on Sports Science will try to figure it out.

Forget the 15% odds he has for a second, the guy has one of the most unsound throwing motions I have seen in a while. He has a long slow release that is not as high as you would want it to be, causing for a lot of tipped passes at the line. He does not have a gun or throw a particularly good spiral. He never played that much under center at school nor with guys as fast as they are in the NFL. There is no real reason why he should be anything special NFL and not only do the prognosticators all seem to agree, but so did the Broncos for the start of the season. He was the 3rd string QB just two weeks ago!

Many people, myself included, have been grilling Tebow even since before he was drafted. He has not really had a sustained spot as the leader of the team, a position that excels at. Say what you want about Tebow's physical skills and his personal beliefs, the guy brings unbelievable passion to the game and has all the intangibles you could hope for in a QB. It has gotten me to think of the countless players that never had all the  physical tools you look for in a prototypical NFL player, yet still have the "it" factor. Tebow certainly showed that at Florida, and Urban Meyer never lets anyone forget it!

Keep in mind that Tebow has at least 1 passing TD in every NFL game he has played in so far. He is always a threat to run it, especially near the goaline, or at least keep the play alive long enough to let a guy break free from his defender. That can go a long way. I have gotten to the point where I am willing to give Tebow a chance. Let him prove to me that we were right all along. 

After all, you can never count a guy out who has god on his side...

-Ethan

Pissed off neighbors snitch to the poleese with "heroin for sale" flyers, then bake cookies

These guys must think theyre modern day superheroes. Some real batman shit. Lookin out for everyones good and playing the passive aggressive snitch move with these flyers, and rewarding the firefighters who raided the place with a plate full of piping hot chocolate chip cookies. Pablo Escobar is living next door, better alert the authorities. Ten grams of heron? Really? This is America, and last I checked we let a man chase the dragon in peace if he so chooses. Oh wait they found heroin, pills, weed, thousands in cash, a sawed off shotgun and a meth lab in this place? OK maybe they had a point. But really lady if you're gonna live the life of the neighborhood rat embrace the role and don't go dilly dallying around passing out flyers with an address on it. You march straight down to the police department and be the snitch that you always knew you could be. 

What a start to the weekend

Obviously the second headline is much more important than the first. I mean that game was nearly flawless. Gameplan executed to the t, offense looked like the well oiled machine that we knew they could be this year. Some random thoughts:

-Dorian Graham? Dude is a monster. Not quite the monster ChanJones is, but wow. Went untouched on that return he took to the house. Had a couple great grabs to convert 3rd and shorts. He stood out to me on the offensive side of the ball and is going to be someone the offense can rely on in the years to come.

-Chandler Jones/D line. What else can you say? Having him back made all the difference in the world. Geno Smith couldn't find his rhythm all night, was on his ass for more than half the game, and if you take out his fluke 60yd bomb to Austin, had a terrible terrible night. The pressure upfront took the WVU offense out of the game before it began. They couldn't settle down, and the best they looked was the opening drive of the second half, where they rarely threw for more than a 10 yd gain, and decided to give the Cuse some of its own medicine and ran it down our throats. Either way, the D line and blitzing schemes Schafer came up with were fantastic, and prevented the score from being reversed. On the other side...

-The O-Line had its best game in I don't even know how long. Nassib got flushed out of the pocket a few times, but other than that a perfect game from the big guys up front. No sacks. NO SACKS. I think one holding call but that was it. I don't think anyone could have predicted that. Hackett and Marrone took advantage of WVU's 3-3-5 scheme and ran it through the gaps all night. When WVU overcommitted to the middle, the Oline stood tall, picked up blitzes, and Nassib threw swing passes and found Provo in the flats. The O line was what won us the game in my opinion. Which leads me to...

-Nassib's best game in his career. Not a ton of yards, but easily the best managed game he's ever had. No picks, 4tds, 75%. Had all day to throw and find open receivers, and that's a recipe for success. He was poised, smart, and aggressive all night and really showed how talented he is when he has time to throw. I mean how many balls did he throw that last year would have been tipped or in the dirt, that ended up right on the numbers? I can think of three off the top of my head. Nassib is good, and he proved that to everybody last night and hopefully those who doubted him are curbing those thoughts now.

Bottom line, aside from the bomb to Austin in the first half, and some miscues in coverage, I think top to bottom you gotta give the team a lot of credit for how they prepared for this game. Marrone, Schafer, and  Hackett recognized ways that we could take advantage of WVU's schemes and capitalized. This win felt much more satisfying than last year's WVU game, because it showed that we are indeed improving, and can't be taken lightly in the Big East anymore. Last year's win was viewed as more of a fluke than anything, but repeated success against a perennially ranked Big East team solidifies the idea that we're an elite Big East team, for what that's worth. Now let's go crush Louisville.

Epstein, Francona, Girardi all sign with Cubs

Not really but thats pretty much whats on the horizon. Francona at the helm with Girardi on 3rd base/bench coach with Epstein playing moneyball with a $150M payroll. Just about a done deal trust me.

First moves for Epstein: get rid of Soriano. Any way possible. Eat 99% of his salary if that's what it takes. He has been nothing but a drag on this offense and I would rather watch Colvin bat every fucking day in his spot than watch his 18mil a year ass strike out with runners on the corners on sliders low and away, every fucking AB.

Pena: gone. Get Fielder. I don't want Pujols or his Dominican 31 year old ass (read: 35) on my team with a 10 year deal. I'll take fat fuck Fielder over him any day.

It's pretty clear that Castro, Colvin, and Barney are going to make up the nucleus this team in the future. Soto is not as good as his ROY caliber year but is still a very serviceable starting catcher. These guys need to stick around as long as possible because the last farm product that came up was Kerry Wood and it blows watching teams like the Rays make it to the playoffs with essentially all home grown talent when our 150mil buys us 70 fucking wins. Let these kids develop.

The pitching staff is in shambles. Zambrano is a cancer. Try to deal him but no one will take him. If you take out Dempsters first 8 starts or whatever when he was giving up 10 runs in 2 1/3 innings he had a pretty decent season, but he's a 2nd or 3rd starter at best. Garza was up and down all year and was tough to watch at times. Decent ERA but no wins to show for it. Strikes out a bunch but between him and Dempster I think they set the record for free passes. Cashner and Wells are worth holding onto. I wouldn't mind seeing young arms like Samardzija make the transition to the rotation and think we have enough talent in the system to round out the rotation for next year. If CC opts out and Epstein signs on theres a real chance the Cubs make a splash and make two of the biggest signings this offseason.

The bullpen is so atrocious its hard to talk about. Cubs led baseball in walks. If that doesnt change Riggins needs to go. These are professionals learn how to throw a fucking strike. I'm not even sure where to start trying to revamp the bullpen its so bad. Marmol is ok and walks just about everybody. Lopez, Russell, Mateo, all interchangeable parts of shittiness. Marshall is the lone bright spot and continuously makes the case to be in the rotation.

More to come later when I sober up and stop ranting on this bullshit squad. Shit is embarrassing and Ricketts needs to put a winner together. It all starts up top. Get it done.

has this been the most satisfying baseball postseason ever?

Red sox and their douchey fan base eliminated in the most heartbreaking fashion imaginable on the last day of the season. The rollercoaster of faith Yankee fans had in their fragile squad, and they get eliminated in a decisive game 5. Right there is $400M+ in salary for a combined 2 playoff wins. Gotta love it. If Soriano's bullshit contract weren't right up there with Carl Crawford and ARod as one of the worst contracts in the game I'd be feeling a lot better about this, but it's the small things that really matter that I take pleasure in. Phillies are gonna come back and knock out the Cards, and god help me if I've gotta watch a cards-brewers NLCS.

Tigers in 5. Phillies Brewers in 6.

Tigers in 7 to win it all.

Lance Berkman is fat Phil Mickelson in a baseball jersey.